Tag Archives: London

London Calling?

Christmas1

For a couple of months now I’ve been trying to sort out a few school bookings in London but for one reason or another we haven’t been able to tie anything down. Agreeing dates, clashing diaries, other committments; they’ve all gotten in the way of booking confirmations. Then I received this.

Maybe the Olympics have gone to their heads? Maybe London is becoming as loony as La-La Land in California but for whatever reason, I cannot fathom out the depths of madness that this politically correct borough council authority is expecting me to go to, just to present to school children about bums and bogies.

At least, they claim to represent a borough council. You decide…

Dear Mr Reid (author)
Further to your recent enquiry regards your book reading presentation in the borough schools district, I would like to ensure that you have filled in your risk assessment pro formas and had a full CRB screening.  I trust your material has had a full equalities impact assessment made and that your teaching mode has been cleared as appropriate by the regional Ofsted co-ordinator, as moderated by the LEA senior trainer and core curriculum lead intervener.
 
The reading levels will, of course, have been tested by the literacy co-ordinator and subjected to a multi-cultural awareness examination, to ensure there is no implicit or explicit culturally insensitive material, as it relates to the families of those from 56 nations represented in the school district. 

During ecumenical-awareness enhanced times such as our own, the contents of your publication will need to be vetted by the All Faiths co-ordination committee to ensure that there are no references to anything that could remotely offend any of our diverse faith communities is presented, no matter how obliquely.  This is a tricky test, which may require the engagement of an all-faith, multi lingual, expert team of positive action assessors, possibly complemented by a specially commissioned and recruited, and ethnically and gender weighted, focus group.

An earth-moving device

The regional public Heath board will be required to conduct a series of tests on the bogies of a sample of mixed gender, sexuality, faith, race and ability/ disabilities to ensure that the full dietary needs of all – vegetarian, vegan, halal, kosher and just fudging faddy or fussy are catered for, without there being too many challenges to those with particular dietary needs, and allergies. 

Use of the word “bum” will of course be prohibited, as it is too colloquial and fails to meet target 6 of Key Stage 2 communications through multicultural, non discriminatory interaction mode. Only posterier, derriere or glutomous maximus may be used.
 
You will be expected to be accompanied by two governors at all times you are on the schools’ premises and will not be permitted to film any part of the proceedings without the explicit prior approval of the parents/guardians/carers  for fear of any images taken being posted on the Internet and attracting unwarranted deviants.
You will not be permitted to use the word ‘Giant’ at any stage of your your presentation, as it has been deemed heightist and offends the vertically challenged amongst us. Studies have shown that 96.3% of all primary school attendees are below the average height of an adult, therefore, we presume, a highly sensitive group.
‘Geriartic’ is also inappropriate, considered ageist and ‘Chronologically Advantaged’ should be used instead. The council’s ethics committee has yet to deem ‘Generator’ offensive but we are sure it will happen at some point, particularly to protect the less efficient members of the public sector and the word should be removed from your presentation.
Whilst the nomiker ‘George’ is permitted, it must not be used with any regal or republican connotations or undertones, however the adjective ‘Gorgeous’ is wholly inappropriate, abusive, misleading and unrepresentative. We recommend you use the phrase ‘Less visually challenging’.
No child will be permitted to display any form of emotion during your presentation, as this would be regarded as the commission of an act of cultural bullying aimed at impacting adversely on the feelings of insecurity and inadequacy potentially suffered by child/children unknown who do not “get the joke”. Cultural bullying such as this has, in multi-national studies, been shown to possibly induce feelings of insecurity and inadequacy in as many as 0.2% of all pupils, and thus enhance the discriminatory exclusion sensitivities of many from different social and cultural family settings.
Once you have completed the above criteria in full and submitted your remittance of £499 to cover administration charges, then we will look forward to the event featuring your book Less Visually Challenging George and the Positively Pituitary, Chronologically Advantaged Mass Production Hardware in our district.
Yours Sincerely
Johann Spazierganger